


shattered hearts

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fatherhood, M/M, Past Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:53:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11036571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: robert thinks about fatherhood, and aaron ends up knowing robert better than he knows himself (just like always.)filler scene set between fridays episode and tonights episode.





	shattered hearts

**Author's Note:**

> just an attempt by me to bridge the gap between fridays episode and todays. one of many, many conversations i imagine these two had this weekend, and more of a look into roberts thoughts on fatherhood than we're likely to get!

They’d been trying to work through it, since Friday. A lot of the time, it had felt like two steps forward and ten steps back, going from good to bad to somewhere in between, the houser quieter and sadder than it should have been on their first weekend in it.

Robert knew it should have been a first weekend full of laughter, and the promise of a new life together. Back when they’d first bought the Mill, Robert had dreamed about that first weekend, about how he and Aaron would finally have the house to themselves when Liv got bored of unpacking and skived off to see Gabby, and they’d just stand in their living room, and hold each other tight, the two of them wondering how they went from hay bales and dirty weekends away to picking out cushions for their couch and fighting over kitchen cabinet colours.

It would have been perfect. They’d have cracked open a bottle of champagne, and probably drank it straight from the bottle (Aaron already having lost the glasses Robert had bought weeks previous) and they’d have made it their aim to christen every inch and surface of the house.

Robert had fantasies of that spiral staircase and blowjobs, if he was honest.

But he’d fucked it up, hadn’t he? Robert had been the one to ruin it, he’d been the one to ruin the kind of magic their first weekend should have consisted off, the two of them loved up and happy and looking to the future.

They were looking to the future now, he supposed, just in a way that made his chest clench uncomfortably, a sick feeling rising in his stomach.

Robert didn’t want this.

It hadn’t been a lie, when he had said he didn’t want anything to do with the baby. Robert had skilfully avoided the conversation about kids with Chrissie, even before they’d gotten married, laughing off Chrissie’s suggestions and telling her they had so much more of the world to see before he donned his dad of the year t-shirt.

He’d been terrified, at the prospect of being a dad. Chrissie hadn’t begun to really push the idea, but he knew she would have done, had the affair not blown up in his face.

She’d always been clear about the fact she wanted more kids, and Robert wasn’t a complete idiot (maybe he made bad reproductive decisions when drunk, like forgetting condoms) but he knew there was a time limit on how long Chrissie had left to have kids.

She’d wanted two, a boy and a girl, all Robert’s blonde hair and blue eyes. She’d told him that once, the two of them curled around each other, before they’d even moved to Emmerdale.

Chrissie had said that she would love two little Sugden’s, joked that their innocent little faces would match Robert’s own, that they’d get away with anything for the rest of their lives, just like their dad.

Dad.

The word sounded funny, when he thought about it in regards to himself. Robert had never thought of himself as father material, too affected by all that had gone wrong in his relationship with Jack.

Too affected by all the things he knew he’d done wrong himself. How was he supposed to be a _father_? How was Robert Sugden, the eternal fuck up, black sheep of the Sugden family, supposed to be a dad? The two things didn’t really align in his head, if he was honest, he couldn’t find a way to put himself and fatherhood in the same sentence and not feel ill.

He didn’t want to ruin a kid, not the way he’d been ruined, the way he’d grown up thinking that he wasn’t enough for Jack, that his own father didn’t love him enough, dad always choosing Andy over him.

Robert ruined everything he touched.

He’d ruined his marriage (the first one) and now he was ruining Aaron, ruining all the good things they had, the life they’d built together.

“I’m hurt, you know,” Aaron’s quiet words shook Robert from his thoughts. They were lying in the dark, inches apart, a stark contrast to the way they always slept, tangled up in each other, not an inch of space between them. “God, I’m so angry, and hurt, Robert.”

Robert could hear the agony in his husbands voice, the pain that he’d caused, and he felt tears prick at his eyes. He didn’t trust himself to talk, didn’t trust himself not to say anything that would just hurt Aaron even more, Robert unable to shake the broken expression that had been plastered across Aaron’s face in the toilets at the Woolpack as Robert had begged him to say he still loved him.

He’d never forget that expression.

“I think I’m going to be angry for a long time yet,” Aaron admitted. “I’m allowed to be. But I want to try and forgive you, because I’m not willing to give up my life with you, not because of - well, _her_.”

Robert didn’t want to say her name either, not lying in bed, Aaron’s body tense next to him.

“I’ve been thinking, a lot,” Aaron continued. “About how it’s ok for you to care, about the baby, I mean.”

“I don’t care.” Robert managed to say, the words not sitting well with him as he spoke. He didn’t want the baby, he didn’t, but he knew at some level, he cared. It was a part of him, wasn’t it? He couldn’t help the way his long buried paternal instinct was reacting.

But he still didn’t want the baby.

“It’s a baby, Robert, and it’s _yours_ ,” Aaron continued, shifting slightly so he was looking at Robert, Robert determined to keep his focus on the ceiling, knowing that if he looked at Aaron, he would have broken apart at the seams. “You’re allowed to care. I know you, I know you care. You can not want it and still care.”

Robert stayed still, not wanting to react, not wanting to talk about this.

Talking about this with Aaron would make it real.

“I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this,” Aaron admitted, the bed shifting again. “I don’t know if I’m going to find a way, but I’m going to try, because I want to be with you. But we can’t just ignore that this baby exists, Robert.”

_We can._

“You and me both know how it feels to be abandoned by our parents,” Aaron said, clearly thinking of all the years he’d spent without Chas, thinking of the things Robert had told him about Jack sending him away. “Do you want your kid to grow up thinking you didn’t give a shit? They’d grow up with _them_ , Robert, you know how they like to twist things. Your kid would think you’re a serial killer, or summat.”

_Better than the kid realising they had a shit dad, eh?_

“You don’t have to talk to me right now,” Aaron said, Robert astounded at how utterly brilliant his husband was being, how unfailingly supportive Aaron really was. “But we’re going to have to talk about it soon. I guess I just wanted you to know it’s ok to care, about the baby, I mean.”

Robert couldn’t hold back anymore, tears streaming down his cheeks silently as he listened to Aaron, listened to this gorgeous man he married be more supportive than he deserved, be more than Robert had ever, ever deserved in his life.

Somehow, despite all the horrible mistakes Robert had made, Aaron still knew exactly what was going on in his head. Aaron knew exactly what Robert was thinking, knew what buttons to push to get a reaction.

Aaron did always know him better than anyone else in his life did.

He didn’t want this.

Robert didn’t want a kid. He wasn’t sure if he ever wanted one, really, and if he was to have one, he wanted it with Aaron, with the man who’d shown him what love was, the one person in his life he was with just because he loved him, the person who’d made him start to believe his sexuality was nothing to be ashamed of.

He didn’t want his life tied to Rebecca’s for the rest of it.

Robert didn’t want that for himself, or for Aaron.

“Robert?” Aaron sounded concerned now, tugging at the sleeve of Robert’s pyjama shirt. “Talk to me. This isn’t going to work if you don’t talk to me, come on.”

He sounded angry, annoyed that Robert wasn’t opening up.

That he couldn’t open up.

Not about this.

“I don’t want this,” Robert repeated his earlier statement, his words thick with tears now. “I don’t want this, I’m sorry, I don’t want this.”

Aaron sighed, tugging Robert in closer. “Yeah, me neither,” the bitterness evident in his voice. “But we can’t pretend it’s not happening, whether you want it or not.”

 

 

 

 


End file.
